


i fight, i bleed, i always stand my ground

by CyrusBreeze



Series: can't knock me down [2]
Category: Station 19 (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M, First Fight, Not Beta Read, Secret Relationship, We Die Like Men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-25
Updated: 2018-11-25
Packaged: 2019-08-29 02:18:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,334
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16735161
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CyrusBreeze/pseuds/CyrusBreeze
Summary: He walked toward her, and he cupped her chin in his hands, and Vic pulled away as if she had been burned.Lucas looked hurt and confused.(Vic would later write that she never, ever wanted to see that expression on his face again. It was gut wrenching.)OrVic and Ripley's first fight





	i fight, i bleed, i always stand my ground

**Author's Note:**

  * For [keraunoscopia](https://archiveofourown.org/users/keraunoscopia/gifts).



> This came out waaaaaaaay angstier than intended. 
> 
> Shoutout to @keraunoscopia for prompting me to write this. First fight was such a difficult prompt for and I hope I did it justice. 
> 
> Also, this is really dialogue heavy because i'm terrible at adding spacing. RIP.
> 
> This is unbetaed so go easy on me please.
> 
> Characterization was difficult in this one. I like writing Vic as fun and easy as she is on the show. Doing angst with her was a little harder, so I hope I did her justice. 
> 
> Anyway... this story was brought to you by the haze of staying awake with Dramamine, Pitch Black Mt, Dew, dark chocolate brownies, and hiding from my family at Thanksgiving.
> 
> Title comes from Can't Knock Me Down 
> 
> Trigger warnings: implied misogyny and three misogynistic slurs

In retrospect, (Vic would note this while journaling later), Vic should’ve mentioned that her entire team knew about the relationship. It would’ve made the situation better, but realistically there was no easy way to tell your boyfriend (and Vic loved calling him that, goddamnit) that six of his subordinates knew that he was sleeping with her. 

Somehow, while defining their relationship, they had failed to discuss whether or not they should announce their relationship or who exactly they should tell about their relationship, which meant that Lucas (and she loved calling him that too, goddamnit) had no idea that all of Station 19, sans Sullivan, knew about them. 

It would’ve been fine, had Station 19 not unconsciously treated Lucas just a little differently. Vic loved her team, but the overprotectiveness was a bit much, and the smothering threatened to put out the small fire that was Lucas and Vic’s relationship. 

Lucas had dropped by Station 19 for the annual inspection and evaluation. It was an evaluation that happened to every station, to every shift, and it was conducted by either the Chief, Assistant Chief, or one of Seattle’s Battalion Chiefs. The inspection was to ensure that the station was running smoothly and it was an evaluation of response time, teamwork skills, and overall cohesion. The evaluation supervisor was randomly assigned, which made the entire situation that much more frustrating. It was a coincidence that Lucas ended up with Station 19. And of course, Vic’s team would refuse to see it that way. 

It was Travis first, who made his feelings blatantly obvious. His glare wasn’t exactly subtle, and Lucas noticed immediately. But he said nothing, at least not while they at work.

(They both worked to keep their personal things personal and professional things professional. It meant no (more) sex at work. And it meant not discussing relationship matters while at work. But it also meant keeping as much of work as possible out of the bedroom.)

And if would have been fine had Travis been the only one. Lucas probably would’ve brushed it off as Travis having a bad day. 

But then Bishop joined in. 

It was subtle, no one would be outright insubordinate, but Maya and Travis scrutinized Lucas at every turn, and their subtle dirty looks didn’t go unnoticed. 

Lucas’s entire face scrunched together at moments, the way he did when he was confused, and it would be cute, if it weren’t for the reason that Lucas was confused. 

Of course, the team subconsciously fed off of the energy of Maya and Travis, and by the time Lucas left, tensions were running high and any one of them looked ready to grill Lucas at any moment. 

Part of Vic was glad that her friends were protective, but the other part of her was extremely irritated at her team’s unprofessional behavior. 

Sullivan actually made an appearance at dinner that evening, seeking answers about the team’s behavior. 

“What is with you guys and Chief Ripley?” Sullivan asked. 

Vic stared at her plate, she wasn’t going to divulge anything, which meant that avoiding eye contact was key. 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Sir,” Maya said. 

“Me either,” Gibson added. 

Sullivan looked sa them warily. 

“So you don’t have any qualms with Ripley,” Sullivan pressed. 

The team murmured agreement and Vic stared at her food. 

“And what about you, Hughes?” Sullivan asked. 

Vic choked on the noodle that she had been chewing on. Then, she coughed, hard. Miller gave her a hard and friendly pat on the back. A fire station was the best place to choke at, with all of her teammates being certified emergency medicine technicians and all. (Later, she would journal, that choking was the preferable outcome to actually dealing with the situation.) 

“Lu-Ripley and I are fine,” she said, taking a long drink of water and avoiding everyone’s eyes. _Penalty of perjury_ her brain unhelpfully reminder her. She wasn’t going to tell Sullivan about her and Lucas under penalty of perjury. 

Sullivan furrowed his eyebrows, the same way he did when he was trying to sniff out a lie from one of the others. 

Vic tried to hold firm. But, again, the whole secrets thing came into play. 

Travis squeezed her thigh in solidarity. 

Sullivan’s glare hardened and Vic caved. “Ripley and I are dating,” she announced. 

Sullivan went to say something, and then alarm blared. 

“Structure Fire. 310 Dawson Road. All parties please respond.” 

“Oh thank god,” Miller said. 

The team got up and headed out, leaving the discussion for another time. 

Vic’s relief was short lived, as they got the structure fire under control and they returned to the station an hour later. They showered, changed, and returned to the station for what was now a cold dinner. 

“Hughes,” Sullivan said. “Meet me in my office after dinner.” 

Vic took her sweet time eating, savoring her noodles like it was her last meal. The rest of the team ate in silence, and Gibson was the last to leave, shooting her a sympathetic smile. 

Vic sighed, trashed the rest of her uneaten food, and washed her plate until it sparkled. 

Then, she walked downstairs, knocked on the door of Sullivan’s office, and waited. 

“Come in,” Sullivan said. 

“You wanted to speak with me,” Vic squeaked out, settling into the chair near the desk. 

“I did,” Sullivan said, and Vic knew instantly that this entire situation was going to be supremely awkward. “I am required, per my contract, to report this to SFD Human Relations Department, which means that you will probably be asked to come in for questions. I just need as much information as possible before I put a complaint in the system.” 

“A complaint?” Vic said, startled. 

“There will be no repercussions for you,” Sullivan said quickly. 

“It’s not that,” Vic clarified. “This isn’t a sexual harassment thing. I’m in a consensual relationship with Lu-Chief Ripley. He's not taking advantage of me.” 

Sullivan pursed his lips together. “You are allowed to speak freely here, Hughes. Like I said, there’s no repercussions.”

“And I am,” Vic said. “Chief Ripley and my relationship is consensual, and I was the one who pursued it.”

Sullivan hummed. “Regardless of consent, because of power dynamics, I still have to report it.” 

“Could you wait?” Vic asked, her tone was bordering on desperate. She took a moment to compose herself, repeating the first two lines of “I’m a Little Teapot” in her head. Coming off as desperate wasn’t going to improve the situation any. 

To Vic’s surprise, Sullivan gave her a sympathetic smile. “It’s Friday at 1800. HR doesn’t open again until Monday at 9. HR won’t kill me if I ‘forget’ to mark this as urgent and they don’t get around to this until Tuesday. That said, I just want to remind you again that you will not face punishment nor will I view you any differently regarding the results of this.” 

“Thank you, sir,” Vic said. “Again, I’d like to say that this relationship is completely consensual, and that I know how bad this looks. I just, didn’t know how to tell the team.” Vic sighed, feeling defeated. It had already been a long day, and she still had thirteen hours of shift left.

Sullivan looked at her, his face impassive, and Vic couldn’t tell if he believed her or not. 

“I will write up your report,” he finally said. “And I’ll submit it tonight. I’ll put in your direct quotes. You will probably have to go through interviews and anyone and everyone else who knows will have to submit to questioning and an interview. It’s not an easy process. I suggest you talk to him, Chief Ripley, so that he’s not blindsided by this. You’re dismissed, Hughes.” Sullivan’s tone was gentle, more so than she had ever heard him. 

Vic breathed out and left Sullivan’s office, ignoring the inquisitive stares of her teammates. The easy part was over. Telling Lucas was going to be hell.

-X- 

She sent Lucas a text a half hour before her shift ended. 

_Meet me at my apartment at 8 o’clock It’s urgent._

There was no use in trying to sugarcoat it. This was serious. 

Lucas arrived at her apartment five minutes after she did. Vic barely had time to settle in, not that she was going to settle, she was far too antsy and terrified about the upcoming conversation. 

“What’s wrong?” Lucas asked, nearly bursting through the door. Concern was written all over his face. “Are you hurt?” He asked. 

Vic meant to speak, to reassure him that she was physically fine, but she opened her mouth and she couldn’t say a word. How was she supposed to tell him that she may have ruined his career? That she may have ruined both of their careers. 

She gulped like a fish, struggling for words. 

He walked toward her, and he cupped her chin in his hands, and Vic pulled away as if she had been burned. 

Lucas looked hurt and confused. 

(Vic would later write that she never, ever wanted to see that expression on his face again. It was gut wrenching.) 

“Victoria,” he said softly. 

And Vic could hardly breathe. 

_I’m a little teapot._  
_Short and stout_

“They know,” she breathed out. 

The confusion on Lucas’s face deepened.

 _Here is my handle_  
_Here is my spout_

“The whole team knows,” Vic continued. “That’s why they were being weird during eval.” 

Lucas’s face changed. She could sense what was simmering behind his eyes. “You told them?” He asked, a note of betrayal in his voice. They hadn’t talked about this, hadn’t talked about telling anyone, especially not people they worked with.

“Herrera found your name tag in my car, and I didn’t know how to lie to them,” Vic said quickly.

 _When I get all steamed up_  
_Here me shout!_

“Shit!” He swore, and Vic had never heard him swear, not outside of the bedroom. 

_Tip me over_

“There’s more,” Vic whispered. She didn’t know how to tell him. Her body was shaking, she felt like she was hyperventilating. She used to get really bad panic attacks when she was kid. The teapot song always worked as a distraction, even now as an adult. But now, she could hardly hold herself together. She inhaled sharply. She would say it on the exhale. 

_And pour me out._

“Sullivan knows too,” she exhaled, pushing through the fear and anxiety of it all. “He’s required to report suspected harassment to human relations,” she added, even though Lucas knew this. You didn’t become chief without a fundamental understanding of being a mandatory reporter.

Lucas didn’t say anything, which was altogether more terrifying than him saying something. Him yelling or screaming or doing something.

Vic couldn’t bring herself to look at him, and she sang through the teapot song three times before Lucas finally spoke. 

“Do you realize what’s going to happen?” He said. His voice sounded hard and thick, like he was angry and close to tears all at once. 

“Of course I do,” Vic replied. 

“There’s no going back from this,” Lucas continued. 

“I know that too,” Vic said 

“HR is going to have a field day,” Lucas said, his voice was rising in irritation, and Vic couldn’t tell if the irritation was directed as the situation or at her. 

It was as if he was processing the situation bit by bit, in little chunks instead of all at once. 

“Lucas,” Vic said softly. She reached for him, and it was his turn to flinch away. 

Vic felt hurt, but she also felt anger swirling within her, just barely starting to simmer. It wasn’t fair of him to pretend that this entire situation was her fault. It took two to tango, and it took two to hide it from human relations for six months. They’d both be put through the ringer for hiding it for so long. 

“I don’t think you understand what you’ve done,” he said. 

“Of course I understand!” Vic said, her tone rising. “You don’t think I realized what this meant for me, for both of us?” 

“No, Victoria, I don’t think you thought about what this meant for you and your career. You know what happens when you get promoted?” He said. “I get accused of playing favorites. You get accused of benefiting from favorites, even if you earned a promotion based on your own merit. People will talk, Victoria. They will say things that won’t bear repeating. You will be gossiped about and you will be name called. This will destroy your career.” 

Vic noted the lack of inflection in his voice. She stared at him realizing right now he wasn’t Lucas Ripley, her boyfriend. He was Chief Ripley, her boss. 

For some reason, that made the fire in her belly grow ever more fierce. The flames stroked as if someone had doused it with gasoline. “I get it!” Vic yelled, surprising even herself with her volume. “I’m a woman, okay? I know that this will destroy my career. I know that I will be called a slut and a whore and god knows what else and I know that people will accuse me of prostituting myself for a promotion. I knew that was how the narrative was going to be spun no matter how this news came out, so chose to do it on my own terms. I chose to tell someone so that I’m not blindsided and suddenly asked to come into headquarters and subsequently interrogated about sleeping with my boss for a promotion. I’m well aware of the inherent misogyny that is rife within the fire service. I know you care, but you honestly you can’t think I’m naive enough not to know how this will affect my career." Vic paused. You can say it, you know,” Vic finished lamely, the fire in her belly quenched enough that she could breathe again, could force air into her lungs and pretend that everything wasn’t falling apart. 

“Say what?” Lucas demanded. And he was gripping one of her bar stools so hard that Vic could see the lines of his knuckles. 

“Say that you’re concerned for your own career,” Vic began, and the very thought of Lucas’s anger stemming from his own selfish desires poured another round of gasoline on her anger. This time, however, her voice just sounded hurt. “Unlike you, I’m not naive enough to assume that you don’t care about your own career.” 

“I don’t,” Lucas said. His tone was clipped, like he wasn’t going to admit defeat. 

And damn it if that didn’t infuriate Vic. “Admit it,” Vic said. “This will destroy your career as much as it does mine. You could lose your job, And you can’t tell me that you were a firefighter for 25 years and you’re okay with suddenly losing everything.” 

“That’s not what this is about,” Lucas said, and he was suddenly on the defensive. 

“That’s _exactly_ what this is about,” Vic said. 

“This should not have happened,” Lucas said. "And I deserve whatever happens to me as a result."

“What shouldn’t have happened?” Vic asked. “I should have continued lying to my team? Destroying their trust in me?” 

“Was it so hard to keep it to yourself?” Lucas asked. “You _know_ what the implications are, for both of us, but you still told everyone anyway.”

“You act like I disclosed this like some type of schoolgirl crush,” Vic said. “It was a calculated move because my team was going to find out eventually and I was sick of lying to them.” 

“ _This_ ,” Lucas gestured to their surroundings, but Vic knew what he meant. “This should’ve never happened. I should’ve just been adult enough to say no because clearly…” Lucas trailed off. 

“Clearly what?” Vic demanded. “Clearly I was too immature to be in a relationship?”

“That’s not what I meant dammit!” Lucas replied, slamming his fist down onto Vic’s counter. 

Vic flinched. “Absolutely not,” Vic said. “You don’t get to do that. You start slamming things and this discussion is over.” 

“Maybe it should be over,” Lucas uttered, and his voice was thick, like he was fighting tears. “Maybe our relationship should be over.” 

“Lucas,” Vic said, and she reached for him again. 

He pulled away, and Vic couldn’t breathe. She couldn’t watch him walk away. She couldn’t…

“This should have never happened,” Lucas said. “And now we have to deal with these repercussions of our actions. I should have never entertained this. No matter much I…” Lucas didn’t finish. “We can’t.”

“Lucas,” Vic said, and she was angry and sad and hurt all at once. “Lucas, it’ll be easier if we do this together. We should face the repercussions together.” 

“This is my fault,” Lucas said. “I’m sorry that I did this to you, and I’m sorry about what this means for you and your career. I think it’s best that we are able to tell HR that we are already broken up. We need to keep things strictly _professional_ from now on.” 

Vic bit her lip. She wasn’t going to cry in front of him. She wasn’t going to give him that level of vulnerability, not if he was so adamant about breaking up with her. “Get out of my house,” she said, keeping her voice neutral even though she wanted nothing more than to fall apart. 

_I’m a little teapot._  
_Short and stout_

 

“Vic, I’m sorry,” Lucas said, his tone soft and quiet. “I just-” 

_Here is my handle_  
_Here is my spout_

“It’s Hughes,” Vic said. “You don’t get to call me Vic.” 

“Hughes,” Lucas said, and his voice broke. 

_When I get all steamed up_  
_Here me shout!_

“Get out of my house,” Vic repeated. “Sir,” she added for good measure, because if he was calling her Hughes, then she had no choice but to revert back to calling him sir. 

Her eyes were starting to water. She wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction of seeing her cry. 

She looked at him again, memorizing the look of hurt on his face, wondering how or when she would ever be able to look him in the eye again.

 _Tip me over_

“Goodbye,” Lucas said, his hand on the doorknob. 

Vic could barely breathe. “Bye,” she said, biting the inside of her lip so hard that she could taste blood. 

He walked out the door. 

He was gone, and the adrenaline of the fight was over. Vic now had to process what had just happened. In the span of twenty-four hours, her boss had found out about her relationship, the relationship had been reported to HR, and said relationship had imploded in her kitchen. 

(She would journal about it in a few hours, write all of her feelings by hand so that she could feel the pain of it, because the grip of a pencil or pen somehow felt better than furious typing.) 

She didn’t how to process what had just happened, what had happened over the last day. Thirty-six hours ago she was fine. She had a boyfriend, her team knew and they (mostly) supported her, and she was happy. And now, everything had fallen apart. 

The first tear that landed on her shirt collar surprised her. 

She was crying now, in earnest. She was crying because of everything that had happened, and everything that was to come. It was one thing to know that she and Lucas were going to HR together, but it was something entirely different to know that she had to do this alone. 

_And pour me out_

She inhaled sharply and she searched for the feeling of fire in her belly (the fire stroked by the energy of the fight and the passion she felt for her relationship, the fire that had been carefully kindled in her belly, the fire that had forced her to realize her feelings for Lucas). Instead, she found nothing. In fact, it felt like that fire had been doused with a shock of cold water.

**Author's Note:**

> oops. 
> 
> It wasn't supposed to end this badly. 
> 
> Good news! I'm working on part 3, which will have decidedly less tears and more fluff and maybe, just maybe, some makeup sex. 
> 
> Please comment. I love those more than dark chocolate brownies (which is a lot).


End file.
